the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
7 months and 3 days of my life spent slogging it out at a call centre. all the shift work and overtime inbound calls, the times we would get wired up because of unreasonable or plainly asinine customers, how we'd think of ways to get one back at them whenever they came round the corner..
the fallen saint left at 8:39 pm
if today, right now,
the fallen saint left at 6:37 pm
while the lightning rips the black night apart, i'm sitting in my room comfortably reading my novel. i like this feeling of ease; it reminds me of the time when i used to study at the coffee bean in guthrie, when the sky would be overcast and when raindrops started to pelt down from above, i'd smile and content myself with the warmth i have from the hot coffee or pasta.
the fallen saint left at 11:29 pm
i purchased The Considerable Embarrassment today for $157. i don't understand why crumpler has to give its bags such lengthy names, because at the end of it all it seems rather pointless and unnecessary. i'm starting to be convinced that black is the only colour that works for me, with the exception of brown when it comes to leather products. but if it looks good, who's complaining?
the fallen saint left at 11:38 pm down at raffles city this evening, walking outside of that cd shop and past the typically long queue of people lining up to buy donuts from that ever-popular stall, and surprise surprise, guess who i saw?
the fallen saint left at 11:06 pm
the lack of it is apparent.
the fallen saint left at 11:49 pm well done alex, you've defeated yourself yet again.
the fallen saint left at 1:07 am
yes, so apparently i have 6 pictures of you on my friendster profile. and yes, admittedly majority of the photos i take are with girls, but such things merely mean what you want them to mean.
the fallen saint left at 11:34 pm
working on the mac os feels as though one has progressed into a different era. windows suddenly feels cold, impersonal and primitive.
the fallen saint left at 12:57 am
your repeated empty promises, for a phone that never rings with your name.
the fallen saint left at 1:24 am someone stole my line tonight.
the fallen saint left at 12:22 am
just the other day at work, i was on the line with a lady who addressed herself by her own first name. i asked how she was related to the subscriber and she said she was "the missus.. soon to be ex-missus, heh". it took me the whole of a second to find my next words.
the fallen saint left at 11:49 am
two down, one to go. yesterday i got my notebook sleeve and today my black ipod. and i just received an e-mail to notify me that my macbook is shipped.
the fallen saint left at 8:08 pm
swimming got me today. it's the first time i felt my head getting really warm during the intervals, like heat was emanating from within - my head of all the parts of my body! i'm still not doing myself any justice in the water though, i could be so much better.
the fallen saint left at 11:38 pm
through the course of a person's life, it is nigh on impossible that he can keep in touch with every person he's ever come in contact with, and albeit with no accurate source for the statistics, i'd say at least a good half of the people i meet have already been lost in the abyss of time. faceless entities will always outnumber those whose names i remember and whose faces i cannot forget.
the fallen saint left at 12:19 am
no more P-plates! (:
the fallen saint left at 8:49 pm
the fallen saint left at 9:07 am
Saturday, June 30, 2007
departure
i still remember when i first started work, i was thrown in at the deep end when they told me to start taking calls on just my second day. it didn't help that it was one of the busiest periods of the year, and it was almost a baptism of fire for me. what can't kill you will only make you stronger, though, and i was lucky to have had pretty handy mentors to provide the guidance that was essential to me getting through the first few weeks of my job.
as time passed, work became more familiar to me, and this telephony battlezone soon receded. now and then, there'd be some annoying individuals who would pop up, but by and by things were looking more rosy. the company does take pride in giving its employees the proper training required for this job, and i'm fortunate to have had such a privilege to learn so much from a temporary job. it may not be related to my future career, but it has taught me to not only hear, but to listen and understand before opening my big mouth. this line of work really taught me how to put myself in the customers' shoes, and through this we are able to see situations from different perspectives. it's made me wiser in a sense; i now see a bigger picture than before.
i reserve my opinions on certain issues, because i know some things are better kept to oneself. all in all, this was a fulfilling journey in my life, a refreshing working environment from the labours of clerical work in the army, and my life was made richer through this.
thank you, starhub, and despite all the things that the press and naive customers may say about us, this was one of the best times of my life hitherto.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
..enough
i tell you i am leaving
will you reach out your hand
or let me turn
and fade into nothing-
passive as you are
careless,
with only a silent whisper?
when the world in your hands
isn't enough,
you will spill blood for your dreams.
Monday, June 25, 2007
sheltered and warm
i miss those days, during the jc years. the stress never got to me, and evidently so, if you know what i mean.
sweet drops from above, you feed my conscious.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
many, many wants
i need to change my shoes. the soles are all wearing off already. it's good because i finally have a good reason to change them. i'm going to need sneakers and loafers. possibly two pairs of each kind. heaven knows how many i'll have to switch around with when i start school. and i'll probably have to get a spare pair of slippers or sandals too.
there's going to be plenty of expenditure this coming month. and i hate the damn government. going to have to try and cram as much spending before july as possible.
shopping stress is no good. in fact, it's terrible.
seeing the rich and infamous
no it wasn't fiona xie or dawn yang. it was a couple, no less, but the girl got my attention and i couldn't help having a second glance. lo and behold, it was our very own accidental home-made porn stars, made famous by the loss of a mobile phone. well it would be rude to mention names, and i don't want to be served a warning or be barred from blogging, but those of you who are worthy of living ought to know who i'm referring to.
i had to tell my two good friends about it immediately - one told me to ask for her autograph, the other told me not to do anything stupid like make a request or ask a dumb question. well i couldn't be bothered with either prank, so we left it at that.
she is quite hot in person, though.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
certainty
you waltz in in your carefree manner and throw everything in disarray. suddenly you've got me confused and i don't know what to make of it all. i find this attraction toward you seductive; this interweaving complexity is difficult to comprehend, its layer upon layer of intrigue so dangerously alluring.
i am attracted to the fact that i am attracted to you.
the cause of this attraction in the first place? the ease with which we speak, the similarities we share, the smiles you put on my face when i think of you - they all add up.
i'm confused, i don't know what you're thinking, and it bothers me.
drama at the 11th hour
university tuition grant application form due date: 23 june 2007
current location of application form: beside my macbook, in my room.
later this morning, if you see a maroon honda civic zipping by the ntu campus in search of the student services centre, i sincerely beg your pardon, and may we all pray that you who see this particular car, are adequately insured.
amen.
Friday, June 22, 2007
adel's complaint
my future room-mate said that judging from the photos that i have, i'm either a huge flirt, or gay. needless to say, i refuted both suggestions. i don't see why i should be blamed for this natural occurrence of having more female friends; certain things are easier like this, so why fix something when it's not broken?
you people can think what you want about my photos, really, but in the end, it doesn't matter to me. i've always maintained that if you can't be bothered to find out who i really am, then i won't be arsed to try and correct your misunderstandings about me either.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
progression
i'm slowly getting the hang of this and it's growing on me (:
happiness is growing and i don't think you're going to get me down.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
this night
of leeching tonight
and i stole someone's internet access, albeit for a while.
but forgive me, and my elation, because my macbook has arrived.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
why
in retrospect, her voice carried a mixture of relief and liberation, as though this was the outcome she desired. are divorces normally instigated by the female half of the marriage? and what could have been so bad and irreversible that could have led to something like this? i can only think of domestic violence or infidelity. yes i am a naive bloke sometimes, so by all means, educate me if i'm stupid.
irreconciliable differences. we see that every day in these times - it's getting a bit ludicrous. where's the steel and resolve that made people stand and fight? it's all gone, people are different now. in a very perverse interpretation of globalization, people now know there are infinite choices and alternatives lying just outside of their door, and they will not hesitate to try new and different things elsewhere. contentment is a scarce sentiment these days.
the world gets more disheartening each day.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
2 of 3
i shall not bother to hide my excitement. (:
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
circles
so work on it.
anyway, that's not the point. things around me are getting a bit confusing right now. how do you deal with seeing a relationship potentially get wrecked by a third party, and the fact that you actually know all three parties involved? i don't know if i should let matters take care of themselves, or to impose my opinion on the events, to push things in the direction i think is right.
it's so easy to say 'pick me', and although i understand the cause of this indecision, i can't say i like it. there may be nothing in it for me when we reach the end of this, and everything would have been for nothing, but that's how a lot of things are, isn't it; you're either a winner or loser, there's no option of being an in-between. put me in this situation any time before now, and i would have stepped out and told you to sod off.
in life, you've got to learn to pick your fights.
and this is the ground where i stand.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
transience
my friends had always come and gone in my life. some have left an impression whilst others left not a trace of their presence. on my part, i've never been one to deliberately sustain my existence in a person's conscious memory, but like i told you this night, if ever i had the audacity and the privilege to beg for an exception, this would probably be it.
i'd always believed that despite not being remembered as a person, so long as i made a positive impact on the lives of the people i've come to know, in one way or another, it would suffice for me. i don't ask to be remembered, i don't seek appreciation; all i need is to know i helped in even the slightest possible way - in my own tiny way - and i will be contented.
this time though, i really don't want things to follow the same route. i can only do what is within the limits of my ability, because were i to try too hard or to outstay my invitation, for lack of a better expression, it would serve against my purpose. to quote napolean, never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
i just want to say you are someone special, and thank you for this that you've accorded me. i don't know how this will turn out, but never before have i felt joy in such times of uncertainty.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
triangle-less
Saturday, June 02, 2007
guess who's back
my internet is finally up and running, which is fantastic, considering i've been at my wits' end trying to occupy myself every night. i think this will be a potentially long entry, so do bear with me a bit if you have foolishly decided to read on.
the new cue plays really well. for once i feel as though the cue does make a difference, that it isn't all talk and no walk. it's an extravagant way to rejuvenate my passion for this game, but maybe it was what i really needed all long to regain that faith.
pirates 3 was pretty good, but i managed to guess the plot in some parts of the movie and the ending was far too predictable. still, i'm not going to discount it as a watchable film worth its ticket price.
then, the big one. buffet dinner at cafebiz, scouted and decided on by no one more qualified among us than twinnie. 
the food was pretty good, it has to be said, but you can put me at a humid and smelly roadside stall and with twin and loi around it'd still be a meal to remember. who else would have enough loose screws to actually go roast marshmallows in a toaster oven, and set the marshmallow on fire in the process? and the discreet disappearing glass cup was the classic. dionne convinced me to have my first ever oyster, and it incidentally turned out to be my last ever, too. these just aren't my thing. pity there was no wine, though. 
we bummed at starbucks after that and looked through loi's india photos. plain. freaking. hilarious.
on to the actual birthday, and i'm really fuzzy inside that the people i care for do remember my birthday. it's nice to know, really, and it's all that i ask for. but crap, i missed out making a birthday wish because i didn't want a cake. not even a slice. oh no. lunched at coffee club in marina square, which interior i liked a lot, and headed on down to the chocolatini place. 
pity they didn't have the beef rendang cubes, because i really wanted her to try it. i'd bet my entire bank account she would love it. haha. and the birthday ended with a double scoop of haagen dazs ice cream, then it was homeward bound. just the sort of days i like, when i can get by quietly without the world breathing down my neck or staring holes into the back of my skull.
and now i will need to get some new shirts, because i'm growing out of them again. shopping, anyone?